Mother’s day in the middle of nowhere..

Can’t really have sex and relationships with out thinking of mothers now and then.  Our own mothers and those who have been like mothers over the years, my own children that I have and don’t have, and my future motherhood.

My own mom is very confused on sex and relationships and goes back and forth on what she says.  At a young age I was taught sex and masturbation were evil.  Now her most recent advise is now to masturbate to sleep and remember that you don’t want to end out an inside out porcupine. But was never and still isn’t loving, caring or supportive in anything I do.  Her own relationships with her mother and my father molded her to who she is today.

My other mothers were loving and caring and all had different ideas and thoughts on men and sex. Katie taught me panties are not always necessary, Grammy Pammy taught me to follow my gut and not make excuses for men’s bad behavior, and Caroline taught me to love your children unconditionally even when they have a child at 14. Gee who left an abusive marriage and found true happiness with her soul mate at 50 and plans never to marry him so she always has her freedom to leave but loves him more than the world taught me to smile always even when you are feeling down and to laugh when you don’t know what else to do, and Mama M who chose favorites among her children and they knew it, taught me that no matter what your kids are or what they do, don’t hold back your love for them ever, they will know it and hate you for it forever.

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My little angel in heaven is always in my heart even though not on earth.  I think of her most today, my little girl that never made it to her first breath.  The one who I’ll never see grow up to be a woman herself.  I think of her even more than the handful that fills my life every hour of every day with their needs and wants and dreams and desires.  Of who she could have been, what she would look like as she grew and the happiness she could never share.

My little handful and the rest of the 8 miracles bring the joys of motherhood alive and the awesome responsibility that comes with it.  They are the  reasons I am still here in the middle of nowhere and can’t move nearer my own mother.  Why I do what I do  and how I do it.   Why I need to teach them to love a good man or woman and be someone worth loving and wanting to be with.  To teach responsibility and respect.  That your mind and body is yours, and your heart and soul can be shared.  To teach them that just because love doesn’t always last that it’s still worth seeking out and wanting and caring for another.  That if someone really loves you they will love the whole you, and someday about the joys of sex and taking care of yourself as well as your partners needs.

Future motherhood while it crosses my mind every now and then, is not something in my cards.  I don’t want to be that women, I don’t know if I could.  I don’t need the stares and looks and glances of small town gossip anymore than I already get.  I no longer dream of a tiny baby to hold in my arms, although if I did have another I would name him Samson and leave his hair long and grow his muscles and heart strong.

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I hope every mother in the world knows she is cared for and loved and appreciated for all she does not just by her own children but by our society  for she is helping to shape the lives, consciousnesses and hearts of tomorrow.  So teach them well, teach them to love and be loved, let them know they are loved by you by being strong and doing what needs to be done even if the little ones don’t agree with your choices today or tomorrow, next week or next year.  Someday they will look back on it and know that they love you for all you did, all you taught without using words, all the punishments and the corrections, the band aids on cuts that weren’t bleeding and the midnight snuggles just because.

Happy mothers day.

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