I need more…

Which is a weird thing to say considering  that I don’t know what I want, and  I am not in any kind of position to make any long term plans…  But isn’t that always the case with us girls? We don’t know what we want, but we know when we aren’t getting it.

I’ve had the same conversation  with both Betty and Pixie lately, what is it that you want?  What is it that the Lumberjack (my current ???) wants?  And I have no answers to any of it.  I am not skilled enough in the whole dating relationship side of things to know how to bring these things up, and I love spending time with him and having him around and I am scared that bringing anything up might ruin what we have.  I know, I know, if we don’t want the same things it’s going to end anyways, but really I’m stuck in limbo while I wait for judges and lawyers to tell me what my and the handfuls fates will be and that is precisely the reason I don’t know what I want, because I don’t know what I can have or where I will be.   So  I’m not going to ask what  it is he is looking for and ruin a  good thing  before I need to.  But the longer we do whatever it is we are doing the more I’m asked questions by friends around me, and of course my mother.  I have no answers for them because I don’t have any for myself.

Does he want to get married someday? Does he want kids?  Is he just happy with mine?  I have no idea.

Do I want more kids? Would I ever get married again?  It depends…

What matters now and for today is more important and in my face.

Does he make me happy? Is there enough passion?  Do I miss him?  Yes, yes he does very much so, and I miss him terribly when he’s not around and just want to snuggle into his arms when I go to sleep at night and kiss him forever everytime I see him.

Do I make him happy?  Is there enough passion?  Does he Miss me?   I haven’t a clue…

Do you see what the problem is here?   Or is it just me making problems out of nothing, I am very good at that you know…

Betty’s sage advice is to just let it be and let go and see what happens, great advice for her but no so much for an impatient ramming lamb who is constantly filled with questions.

We talk, we text, he hangs with the handful, he stays over on the weekends, but I am finding that I want more. And that want is quickly turning into a need.

I need more answers to my questions ( frankly any answers at all would be good as I have none)  I need him to communicate with me more during the day, I mean hell my married Puppy talks to me more often,  I want to know what it is he wants or dreams or desires.  But I’m to afraid to ask…  I don’t like getting lumped into the pools of girls that get all girly on guys and make a mess out of things.

I ran into the Green Lantern today and he asked if the Lumberjack was coming over tonight.  My answer? “I don’t know he doesn’t talk much.He knows where I am if he wants to see me.”  Very non-chalant and girly, with a giggle and a smile but inside my heart the sentiment of the words was not the same.  I do care, care more than I should, and more that’s good for me.

I guess I should be happy with what I’ve got although I don’t even know what that is…  Is it a friend with benefits?  A fuck buddy that doesn’t mind hanging with the handful?  Or a boyfriend?  I recently picked on a youngin’ relentlessly  because she was all hung up over the label thing of wanting a “boyfriend”  while I was busy whoring around the town, taking Sunday morning walks of shame and the like,  but now I’m doing the same thing, just not out loud :/

I just want to know what I am to him, and if he misses me.  I think if I knew those 2 things I could deal with not knowing the rest for at least a little bit longer…  but then again I’m a girl, so who knows…  We have been known to change our minds a lot…


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