What does the future hold?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, where do I see myself in a year? In 5 years?  When I am 80 and old and grey?  Honestly I have no idea.  In my past I have dreamed and hoped and set plans, and you know what? I’m over it.

The way life is one can never know what’s going to happen someday, and it never works out how you thought it would anyways, so what’s the point in planning it?  In high school we had to write a letter to our future selves.  And honestly?  Most of mine came true, some of the small details were changed but really I had a plan and I stuck to it no matter what.  While this could be good and good things came of it (like the handful), bad things came of it too, because I couldn’t see the curve balls life was going to throw at me.  For instance I had no idea Daddy would die so young, that I would end up alone in the world and in an arranged marriage, and that my husband that I was supposed to love and obey?  Was an abusive asshole, a cheater and a douchebag.  So yeah, at least one of those promises and goals I set for myself as a young teenager I have broken ( hello divorce city!  Never say never…)  But you know what It’s for the better…

If as a junior in High school in a ritzy town on the coast, if someone had told me that I would end up as a single mother of a handful of kiddos, be living on a run down farm In Povertyville in under 15 years?  I would have thought they were crazy, Hell, if they had told me that Daddy was going to die in 18 months I would have thought they were insane, but those are just some of the curve balls that life threw at me.  And I wasn’t prepared to handle where the balls were going to bounce I was so focused on my goals…

So, when recently talking to Betty about what I wanted I said I wasn’t sure, I mean, how can I hope to know what lifes curve balls are going to throw at me next?  I have become very zen lately (or at least I like to think I am) and very go with the flow…  Plans get changed? No biggie.  Kidlets home sick from school?  No problem.  Ex being a douche? Whatever.  But those are all short term issues, now aren’t they?  The bigger questions like where do I see myself?  Do I see the Lumberjack in my life for the long haul?  I don’t have the answers to those, and frankly I would rather not spend my time worrying about what may or may not happen and just go with the flow.

But, as we all know I am an impatient ramming lamb, and what happens when the flow stops?  When I want the current of the waters to push me forward into the next page of my lifes story and I am stuck on a rock?   It’s hard to go with the flow when you have to captain the ship…


One Response to “What does the future hold?”

  1. I really enjoyed reading this post. What an amazing story you have.

    Mistress M

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