Package deal

someecards.com - Mom, I love you, but I never want to be you, I would rather die first...
My mom, I love her to pieces but she really has a pessimistic, angry, jaded view on life.  She can take something that most people would see as  a positive, and quickly turn it to a negative.  She was recently visiting and I got 2 earfuls and a half on her philosophy, even though she has manged to complain since she went home that we never had a chance to talk…

But she did her usual damage while here.  This time she focused her sites on the Lumberjack (frankly I don’t think she will be happy until I am a  miserable, lonely, workaholic like she is, but that’s another story…)   He is not good enough for me –  he doesn’t make enough money (she has no idea how much he makes or doesn’t make), he only has a job (versus the almighty career that he should have), he doesn’t own his own home (what young single man with out kids, a live in girlfriend, or wife does?), he hasn’t made his wealth (apparently all of your wealthy should be earned in your 20’s or you will be in the poorhouse the rest of your life),   he’s unmotivated (no idea where this one came from since he went to work every day she was here and was on call most nights), and that he’s only interested in the package (well, some things only come in packages, but more on that in a minute…)  Then she moved on to me and why I should break up with him – that I just want sex (That is what vibrators are for, not boyfriends), that I am pussy whipped (not even possible, he has a very nice cock thank-you-very-much),  that I must be with him because he is cheaper than hiring a farm hand (umm, he doesn’t do farm work for me, and I do hire farm hands…), That I need a man with more money than me (again with the money!), That he’s cheap (we went to a party and stayed over camped in the backyard – apparently she feels he should have taken me to a hotel instead – insert eye roll – it was a party where everyone camped out, it was not a romantic hotel getaway…) and did I google him? (why yes I did, doesn’t everyone?), Did I find what she found the creep on the other side of the country that looks nothing like him, whose father has a different name and ( most importantly) isn’t him who got arrested once? (OMG! – that is just an insane reason not to date someone).  Then she started talking about the package…

Now most people when they talk about a “package deal” or say that someone has the “whole package” it’s a good thing.  You know they have everything on your list, or they come with extra bonuses.  Now I don’t know what the Lumberjack actually does see, or what he thinks he’s getting, but my mom has her theory, and it’s a doosey of a theory.  Apparently he wants me for my money ( have I ever mentioned that I am a poor farmer who happens to be a single mother of the handful?), for my families money (the only family he’s ever met is my mom and as you can tell that went swimmingly well…), for my house ( ummm? It’s  a crap hole, really trust me on this one) and for sex, that is all.  all I can say is Oh – My – God and shake my head…

What’s my real package?  I know what it is, and it’s not really that great.  It’s just me and The Handful.  We are a package, you can’t have me with out them.  Money? Assets?  Yeah, sure I have plenty if you count my beat up minivan and my 4 cows, and the wealth of holey towels and beat up blankets I pile on the all 6 beds in the winter, my families money – well the only family left is my mother and I’m sure you can guess what’s going on there (plus I’ve been written out of the will more times than I can remember so It’s really a mute point), oh yes and the house – the house which I now have 76 days or less to vacate – but more on that later.  I guess maybe he wants me for sex then ( I’m sure he could find sex that came with less extras if that’s all he wanted).

I don’t know, maybe he likes what he gets when he’s  here –  little people to play with, boys to throw the football around,  a lunch to take to work, loud and crazy dinners, cuddling on the couch watching tv, a warm bed with a nearly naked woman (I tried going to bed naked once and he asked where my clothes were – weird I know I just figure he likes unwrapping the package), and all the other little things that are just part of life…

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